i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
