I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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