new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
