I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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