John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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