This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
