A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
