Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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