Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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