just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
