You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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