I think my vagina is haunted
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
