all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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