I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
