I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
