when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
fuck your aforementioned shoe
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
