I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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