mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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