I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
