I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
