when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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