What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
