I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you inspire me to be a worse person
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
