I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
