I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
