There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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