It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
