a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
