this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
