Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
