so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
