Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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