Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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