if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
