Screwed.edu
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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