dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
