Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
