The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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