My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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