I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
