I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
