imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
