my phone needs a breathalizer
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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