I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
