I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
