Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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