he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
