currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
