At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
