this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
