Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
