Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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